While my childhood wasn't so normal for I know I have been very blessed to have what many kids didn't have. I somewhere secretly or unknowingly believed that life will get normal and beautiful when I'll grow up, start earning, get married and settled. I really don't know when and how did this belief might have find place to hide in. School, books, exams & grades became my go to option to feel my worth. Quietly on unknown paths I just walked through with one name of divine as I didn't find no one share myself with. Talking, crying, got angry n no. of times with Bhagwaanji.
After passing 12th board, I didn't know what I have to do. Seeing fellow classmates, I took drop year to prepare for engineering entrance. Now I really wonder how did I manage to study amidst all which was happening back then at home. I took admission in NIT and was deeply feeling gratitude to Bhagwaanji to sent me here as I really didn't expect that I could do this. Fast forward, I was in 4th year of B.Tech. and realized that I am not ready for GATE which I was trying to study from friend's notes. So, I finally decided to prepare on my own and after few other selections, I got a job in ISRO. It took me few days to really believe that what I once asked for, I literally got it.
After coming to Bangalore, I joined in a division which demanded work in weekends & shifts. While the work and people were completely new to me, I am still naive. I started noticing how real life is...where you need to be a 'YES' person, always available, showcase your abilities, be visible, communicate or rather be in good books...
While I was not having good people skills, I was quietly working. But inside my head, constant chatter, anxiety, fear keep making noises which was slowly taking me down. Amidst all of this, my marriage prospect search was also going on, which shattered me as I found that people want a picture-perfect family who is financially stable and of good status in many terms. Also, I found that I lack in many other areas, getting mingled in conversations, understanding people and their intentions... so I was meeting people thinking it is my personality development (as one of my friend said), no matter how useless/uncomfortable it made me feel.
And then I got married to a good hearted person. However, as some miracles happened in my life, I too consider sometimes this one too. Although I don't find myself get understood amidst all family rules, my reserved nature and our love for our families. I know we are put together for us grow.
During all these years, have crashed a lot many times, however, last one year had been toughest wherein my health was not supporting, people made me realize my worth after years of contribution professionally, was deeply wounded & troubled emotionally by statements & behavior which I never expected to hear. I could not express my feelings and in fact, no one was ready to listen either.
I understood that all these years I was trying to find/waiting that something/someone would come and fix my life and everything will be beautiful and peaceful. Lately, I found out that "this is life and everything is happening for me for my evolution", "success in life is not success of life", "प्रतिकूल परिस्थिति is necessary for you to get over raag/dvesha". I release the need to be accepted by all. I am okay the way I am and I know that this universe is filled with divine love and abundance for everyone. Everyone is a divine soul. Forgiving all and myself included is necessary to move on as I keep reminding myself: "अहम् ब्रह्मास्मि" and "तत् त्वम् असि".
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